


Flicker Fade

by ships_ahoy01



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Depressing, Eating Disorders, Guidance Counselors, High School, M/M, Physical Abuse, Sad, Tearjerker, Therapy, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-19 16:35:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4753334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ships_ahoy01/pseuds/ships_ahoy01
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At the end of the hall, we reached a door with a sign that read, "Group Counselling".</p><p>Mikasa stopped to look at me. "Are you ready?"</p><p>I nodded.<br/>-</p><p>Things for Eren hasn't been the same since his sophomore when he met a man named Levi. </p><p>I promise the story is better than the description.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Prologue

The day was finally here. Mikasa and I had spoken about it for a few weeks. She had talked, and talked about it until I gave in and said I'll do it. I never wanted to think this, but Mikasa was probably a better parent to me than my parents ever were. We walked up a flight of stairs and down a long white hallway, the clicks of her heels were the only sound. At the end of the hall we reached a door with a sign that read, "Group Counselling".

Mikasa stopped to look at me. "Are you ready?"

I nodded.

We walked, closing the door behind us. I examined the fairly small room and eye'd up the circle of chairs and people. A couple familiar faces stuck out to me. Specifically one; who could forget those big blue eyes, blonde hair.

"Hey, Armin!"

He quickly popped his head up,a smile lit upon his lips. "Oh hey, Eren!"

His eyes quickly averted to my sister, who was standing beside me. "And Mikasa!"

She smiled at him but kept quiet. We quickly took our seats in the group circle. On each chair had one of our names on it. I took a seat in my chair; which unfortunately was next to the leader. I looked to my right and saw the group leader crossing his legs and look over the clipboard in his hands. He lifted his head and examined all of us in the circle.

"I'm going to do attendance, when I call your name, say "here", alright?"

People began the nod their heads. The man cleared his throat.

"Eren J."

"Here"

He then continued to spout out the names of us in the circle. After he finished he looked over to me.

"Eren, would you like to start today's session by introducing yourself and saying your story?"

My hands were frigidity as I replied with a simple "sure"

The room went silent as the circle of people waited for my voice to enlighten their ears. I took a deep breath as I looked to Mikasa. She nodded, giving me the okay.

"Go ahead, Eren. It's okay"

"My name is Eren Jaeger. I'm 20 years old and I'm here for a recent attempted suicide-" From the corner of my eye I saw Armins face drop. "I guess the story starts back 4 ish years ago. His name was Levi"

Mikasa cringed and looked away. She's never liked him very much.

"We met when I was 15 and in a few months I'd be 16. He was 25. At the time we met, I was a new sophomore, and my parents had recently gotten divorced, so Mikasa and I bounced back and forth from our mother to our father"

My voice froze as a particular memory of my parents popped into my head.

"Grisha, how many times do I have to tell you? Disciplining children is not hitting them!"

"Than what is, Carla? Letting grow up and end up like you?"

The yells were cut short of the sound of his hand slapping her across the face.

"Please continue " the group leader advised.

I quickly wiped the one of many memories out of my mind.

"They fought a lot; my parents. Levi and I met in a doughnut shop. I was buying a doughnut, but I was a dollar short. Levi was next in line so he lend me some money; I said thanks, and then we sat down at the same table and talked for a while. I wouldn't say he was nice, he was kinda mean really. But I found him interesting. He never seemed like a creep at all-"

I looked over to Mikasa, "And he still doesn't"

"One time I ran away from home. I had debated a lot,but one day I snapped and I packed a bag, and I ran away. Levi was the only one I had trusted-"


	2. Chapter 1

-flashback to the month of November , three months into Erens sophomore year, right to the beginning-

-Beep. Beep. Beep-

I extended an arm towards my nightstand, feeling around for my alarm clock. Once I found it, I began to slam it repeatedly, eventually the deafening beeps went silence. In my mind I was sarcastically cheering for Monday.

"Eren, get up!" I could hear my adopted sister,Mikasa, yelling at me through the bedroom door.

"I am up!" I yelled back as I threw a pillow at the door.

"Hurry up, I'm driving if you want a ride"

"What about Armin?"

Armin was my best friend ever since pre-K, but for some reason when high school started we kinda split apart. We're still friends, just not as close anymore. Not a day goes by where I don't think of how close we were. I could almost say that I missed it.

"He'll be fine. You walk with him almost everyday, now do you want a ride or not?"

I usually did walk with Armin, though the walks were short and a tad bit awkward. I sighed as I succumbed to Mikasas offer.

"Fine! Just let me get ready!"

I dragged myself out of bed and walked to my dresser. I grabbed a pair of black skinny jeans, socks, and black muscle Tee. I walked out my room dressed, not forgetting to put on the black beanie and a sweater.

"Omg. Dweeb" Mikasa said, looking at my outfit and flicking my forehead.

"Shut up" I hissed under my breath as I walked to the kitchen.

"Eren, there's like no time to eat! You're gonna be late for school, and I'm already late for work!"

"God dammit, Mikasa, I'm starving!" I yelled at her.

"Watch the language, Eren" my mother warned from the kitchen table where she was sitting, reading through a home decor magazine.

I sighed loudly as I walked past Mikasa to the bathroom to take a piss and brush my teeth.

"Eren, I'm leaving" Mikasa yelled from the front door.

"Coming!"

I washed my hands and ran from the bathroom to the front door, slipped on my leather boots, and greeted Mikasa in her red compact car.

"You didn't even shower" she looked at me, disgusted.

"I will tomorrow, and besides we didn't have time" I mimicked her voice.

She rolled her eyes, "god, you're such a guy!"

I ignored her and just looked out the window at the view passing by. We drove a few blocks until we reached the end of the street. I happened to notice a small doughnut shop. It caught my eye because it looked so lively; people were actually inside of the building. You see, that place went out of business years ago.

"Someone must have bought it" Mikasa said, nudging my arm.

"yeah"

Sooner or later, we pulled up to Sina Public High School.

"Later, kiddo. Remember, don't let 'em get to you!"

I waved Mikasa goodbye and I hopped out of her car. It felt strange not having Mikasa in the same school anymore, due to the fact that she graduated the year before.

"Eren!" My short blonde friend; previously mentioned as Armin, ran up to me when I reached my locker.

"Hey"

"Howvya been?" He asked delightedly with a smile on his face. Armin was never really this happy before he started dating Jean.

Something I found strange was the fact that Jean bullied Armin to the point where Armin couldn't handle it. But when Jeans boyfriend died-well- he swarmed around Ar like flies on a dead carcass in the middle of the desert.

But Armin loves him, so what am I to say?

"I've been good, you?"

He smiled and blushed like a kid before leaning on his tippy toes to whisper in my ear. "I lost it"

He went back down, a huge grin spread across his face.

"Like..it?"

"The V-card"

"Fuck, Armin. I know you're happy but right now, I don't need to hear about you're fucking lovey dovey relationship with Jean. Its gross! God, go tell Connie or some other tard like Sasha!"

I put my bag in my locker and slammed the door as I walked away from him.

If you're wondering why I was pissed off... Well let's just say, I was single. And it sucked. I know that I shouldn't have been fussing over such a little thing, but its horrid having to hear that all my friends (Armin included;no offense) were in relationships.

Hell- Armin; the short kid with a bowl cut; got laid before me, brother of Mikasa Ackerman.

I hated this! This lonesome fucking world of mine! I wanted somebody; no, I needed somebody. Someone who I'm not related to, someone to hold my through my night terrors. Some body to save me from my own worst enemy; me.

At lunch,I found myself in the empty restroom staring into the mirror, looking at that kid, you know; my reflection.

Dark brown, messy, hair ,those green eye's with hints of old eyeliner that didn't wash off. These eyes look so dull, empty. A short image popped into my head. Black eye, bleeding nose, and bloody knuckles. I shook the image out of my head.

Why did I look like this; more like why did I feel like this? This numb, pitiful feeling dwelling within my body to my soul. I often found myself wondering "is this what they call "depression?". Perhaps it is, or (as Mikasa used to say) " just overreacting".

It could simply be the fact that I'm a teenager, but I feel like its more than just adolescent hormones. If anything, it's loneliness. 

"Eren Jaeger, to the principals office please" an intercom broke my silent moment of self pity.

I walked out of the bathroom and down the halls. I was forced to ignore the "ooos" and other commentary as I walked towards the office. Mr.Smith was waiting outside the door, welcoming me inside. I was so used to the routine that I automatically made my way to the chair in front of his desk and took a seat. He moved and sat down on the other side of the wooden desk.

"Man, this office is really turning into your second home, isn't it, Jaeger? Three times this month."

I shrugged. "I dunno, Erwin. You tell me"

His head shook disappointingly. I hated this room. The blinds were always drawn just enough for limited light, his desk was always a mess clustered with papers and his family portraits. Surprisingly enough he even had a family. He was such a dick! Well, to me anyway.

From what I knew, he was married to my science teacher, Mrs.Zoe, she chose to keep her last name. Before I came to this school they had a daughter named Emily, and now there's a rumor that Hanji is pregnant with a second. 

"Well, do you have anything to say?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Other than, hey Erwin. How's the fam?"

He sighed, obviously getting frustrated. "Enough!" he stood up as his fists slammed down on desk, making a few picture frames fall over. I sat up straight immediately. I've never seen Mr.Smith pissed off like this. It felt like forever since the last time I was this scared of a teacher.

Mr.Smith was an intimidating man. He was well over 6ft tall. So muscular he could shatter your entire arm with a simple high-five. I swore to god he was the only high-school principal/ gym teacher who didn't wear a tracksuit 24/7 and weighed over 300lbs. In all honesty, Erwin was a pretty chill guy, he always remained calm in a dire situation. It was no wonder why I got scared of him when he flipped, I wasn't used to this type of anger from him.

"What do you get from it? From skipping" The rage in his voice subsided to a calmer, more comforting tone.

It was a question that I was hesitant to answer, mainly because he wouldn't understand the ties it has to do with my home life, and the rest because it wouldn't make sense. I didn't say anything, neither did he. I sat and focused on the half-opened blinds across from me. They let in very little sunlight. This wasn't even a principals office anymore, it was an interrogation room. 

"Eren, please answer my question"

I shrugged.

He sighed as he sat back down in his chair and shuffled through some papers on his desk. He stopped when he had a specific sheet of paper in his hands, and then he passed it me. I read the words that the page had to offer. It was my student file. On one piece of paper had all my information, Mikasa's cell, my mom's cell, and my dads cell numbers stayed in one little box that contained contact info. 

Erwin cleared throat which caught my attention. I handed the paper back to him.

"As you can see, Eren. I have your sisters, mothers, and fathers numbers. Which one do I call?"

A gut twisting feeling came over me as the thought of Erwin calling my dad came into mind. I didn't want that to happen. I tried to speak but my voice couldn't work, it froze. In replace of words I did my most famous gesture and simply shrugged my shoulders. 

"So all of them?"

"No!" The things that made my voice work, fear, and intimidation.

Erwin straightened his back and took a deep breath. He was now sitting directly across from me, sending daggers through eyes.

"Next time, kid. You're off the hook this time, but next time, no exception. Deal?"

I shot up out of my seat and took his hand with a firm shake. "Deal"

I walked out of the nerve-wracking office, feeling a temporarily freedom until I realized I was still in the building. It dreaded over me, but I'd take school dread over the dread of my dad finding out. Both were painful, but one was emotional, and the other was physical.

The week consisted of the same routine, minus the meetings with Erwin. My teachers were stunned that I came to all their classes. I didn't care for many of them, I mostly just doodled in place of note taking. Finally, at last, Friday.

\--

(back to the group circle)

"For as long as I could remember, I've counted down the days to the weekend. The end of every week was always riddled with disappointment anyway. I wish i could've been happier about it, but I knew I still had to go back to school.I started to wonder, was the countdown really worth it? All my weekends consisted of was trying to find motivation to do something other than sit and whine. I wish I could've been more social, but with Armin spending all his time with Jean, and Mikasa and mom at work, I really had nothing better to do. Being a social outcast wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I used to daydream as I kid. I wished for high-school to breeze by, and that mom and dad would stop fighting.-"

"I guess as we grow up things get unexpectedly harder. Instead of being a little kid daydreaming, we turn into young adults who are overthinking "


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! I hope you're enjoying this so far!

Mikasa and I walked down the white hall towards the door for a second day. Again, Mikasa stopped before we entered the room. Instead of asking if I was ready, she asked me if this was the part where Levi and I met. I nodded happily as she scowled. "Mikasa, I loved him. Chill"

She rolled her eyes as we entered the room. Armin gave a little wave, I nodded and smiled. Mikasa and I took our seats as the leader called names. 

"Well, Eren. We left off with you, pick up where you had left off"

\--

(flashback)

Two weeks had passed since my chat with Mr.Smith, nothing had changed except for temperature, and all the commercials on the television have snapped into Christmas mode; although the day was a month and a half away. I still couldn't believe I've basically attended every day of school for half a month, it was boring x1000. Smith had stopped acknowledging my existence, so I felt like no one would even notice if I skipped class, other than the teachers who snitched on me last time. Fortunately, teacher meetings save the day, and the substitute teachers can come on in.

I attended my first couple classes with my regular teachers, and by the time the lunch bell had rung, I was already leaving the building en route to a special destination.

For some reason when Mikasa drove me in the morning, I thought I didn't need a jacket, just a plain sweater. As I walked down sidewalks covered in snow, I came to the realization that I was poorly mistaken. By the time I reached the pink doughnut shop, my skin was rattling and my teeth were clattering.

I took a deep breath as I opened the fuchsia door, letting a little bell above my head ring as I walked through. The temperature of the room was warm, but not enough to warm me up right away.

There was no lineup at the time. My eyes examined the glass case filled with plenty of doughnuts to choose from. From happy little pink ones to ones dipped in chocolate.

"Can I get you anything?" The till women called out to me.

"Uhm.. sure"

"What do you want?"

I randomly pointed to a chocolate doughnut inside the glass casing. She smiled kindly as she grabbed a bag to put the doughnut in. She quickly perked back up and handed me the bag with the doughnut inside.

"$3.50, please"

Did I even have that much on me? My hands scrambled in and out of my pockets, successfully pulling out $2.50 and little fluff balls from the inside of my pocket. I hesitated as I set the change on the till. The women gave me a strange look.

Oh god.

From behind me, an arm reached out and set an extra dollar on the till.

Thank god.

I turned around to see a short man, black hair with an undercut, dull eyes. He raised a brow, "kid, if you're planning on buying stuff bring money"

Being the assholish teenager that I am, I rolled my eyes. "Thanks, captain *cough*dick *cough* obvious"

The man shook his head as he budged in front of me to the till.

Something about the man lead me thinking about him till I sat down at a small table with one chair. I pulled the doughnut out of the bag and took a big bite.The chocolate sensation lingered among my taste buds. For some reason I still had my eyes fixated on him; this is until he got his coffee and started walking towards me.I could feel my face starting to burn as he sat down in a booth next to me and began setting up a laptop. He took off a winter coat revealing a grey sweater that was almost identical to mine.

A few awkward minutes went past before he noticed me staring again. My face instantly snapped away.

"Hey, kid. How much does a polar bear weigh?" His voice was deep, with a somewhat incoherent accent lining his words.

I looked up to him, slightly annoyed at the word "kid", yet extremely nervous at the entire fact that he had confronted me. I shrugged my shoulders with a hesitant "uh..."

The man's thin lips curled into a slight smirk. "Enough to break the ice"

"Oh" I felt a slight blush creep upon my cheeks as a fragment of a chuckled left my mouth. It was unexpected by far. I racked my mind for a short moment, wondering if that was called a "pick-up-line". In which it probably was. It just confused me that the first person to try that on me on me was way older- let alone the fact that it was a man.

The man's eyes went back to the screen of his laptop, not looking back at me for a few minutes. Although, I should've looked away, I didn't. The man caught my attention and kept it.

"You keep staring at me. What would you like?"

My heart pounded, and blood ran towards my face. Dammit.

"Uh..."

The man let out a dragged out, annoyed sigh. "You're still looking at me. Look, kid, I can see that you're interested in me- I'm majoring in psychology, I can see what you want just through your body language."

"I don't want you!" I snapped. Wow, getting defensive after someone unintentionally makes you sound gay, way to sound gay, Eren. I quickly moved my words to, "stop calling me a kid!".

"Then stop staring at me"

I pouted and crossed my arms- just like a kid. The word suited me, but I despised it almost immensely, due to the fact that it's the nickname my father had given me. "So.. are you a psychologist?" I asked in a pity attempt to change the subject once again.

The man looked up again. "Soon to be. I'm looking for a job opening after I graduate"

"Oh.. I don't believe you. Give me a fact that only a psychologist would know" At this point, I didn't even care what he was. I found this man interesting, and I wanted to talk to him. He looked away for a moment and thought of an answer. His head turned to me again with a slight smirk on his face.

"When someone tickles you, laughter is a panic response. You can't tickle yourself because your body doesn't sense any real danger."

I nodded, not really listening at all.

"Now, do you want to sit over here and talk? Or just sit there, because if you don't want to move, I'm gonna shut up and ignore you"

I sighed as I stood up, crumbled the doughnut bag, and moved into the empty seat across him. We made eye contact for maybe half a second, but his piercing grayish/blue eyes made it seem like minutes. I awkwardly moved my hands and set them on my lap, twiddling my thumbs. I took a deep breath.

"I'm Eren"

He raised a brow, perhaps amused?

"I'm Levi" He somewhat, half-assed smiled as he stuck his hand across the table.

I smiled and reached for his hand. The moment my fingertips touched his skin, my arm instantly jerked back. It was strange, the feeling I got just from touching him. I looked up to his eyes again, letting a chill run down my spine. He gave me an odd looked before reaching out even further and grabbing my hand, giving a gentle shake.

"Nice to meet you, Eren"

I sheepishly smiled back. "Nice to meet you, Levi"

A few moments passed, the only sounds were the clicks of a keyboard. Levi looked up for a moment, then back to his screen. I could tell he was a busy man. The clicking paused for a moment as he looked up again.

"So, Eren. Tell me about yourself "

I could feel myself begin to blush. "What would you like to know?"

He bit his lip and thought- I found it surprisingly attractive, then I cursed myself for thinking a man, probably 10 years older then me as attractive.

"Favorite colour.. Age.. Why you're skipping school?"

I snickered at the moment he mentioned school. "My favorite colour would probably have to black. I'm turning 16 in March, I'm a sophomore. And I skipped my last few classes because I got bored"

His face dropped to a deadpan seriousness, which freaked the hell out of me. "First of all, black isn't a colour, it's a shade. Second, nobody wants to go to school, it fucking sucks, but you still have to go"

I rolled my eyes again. I knew he was right, I've only been lectured by my father a million- maybe even a billion times. "Yeah, yeah. Every time I see my dad he always tells me what school can do. But so far all it's giving is loneliness and-" I stopped myself when I realized I was starting to get into deep, tucked away feelings.

"Sorry"

He rolled his eyes. "I major in psychology. You just apologized to an almost psychiatrist for talking about feelings"

A little laugh came out my mouth because of the irony. I was a little disappointed that I showed my inner idiot in front of him. Before I could reply my phone started to vibrate in my pocket. I instantly pulled it out and read a text from Mikasa.

M- Eren, I'm picking you up. Be ready.

Me- you don't have to, I'll walk

M- it's already 3, where are you?

I looked at the time, and damn, it was 3.

Me- walking home

I stood up, Levi giving me another weird look. I wanted to stay, talking to my new friend. But if my mom and sister found out that I was chilling with a complete stranger, let alone a man 10 years older, they'd be pissed.

"I'm so, so sorry! I really have to leave- my mom and sister.. uhm.. I'm sorry"

"Don't be sorry, give me your number if you want"

I gave a genuine smile, he wanted my number... that means he wanted to talk to me!! I let out a squeak of excitement in my head. I quickly flattened out the doughnut bag and grabbed the pen he was holding out and wrote down my cell number.

"Here" I said as I passed him the paper, hoping to god I didn't mess up my own number. I started to walk away, but then he called my name. I turned around to see him holding out his winter jacket.

"Put it on or you're gonna freeze"

"No, it's fine. It's only like a few blocks away, besides, you need it" I tried to convince him I didn't need it, even though for some strange reason I secretly wanted it.

He rolled his eyes. "A few blocks. Dumb brat, just take it. I have a car, you don't."

I was extremely offended by his name for me, but I kept my mouth shut. I reached out and took the jacket. "Thanks, but how will you get it back?"

"I come here all the time, I'll see you again "

I nodded. "Meet you here tomorrow then?"

"Get through school first. I'll be here after 3, so don't worry"

I never really realized how much I could smile until this moment. It felt- as cheesy as it sounds- magical. The smile quickly faded as my phone started to ring. Mikasa. I pressed decline and said goodbye to Levi.

Before I walked out the door I put his jacket on. I didn't even realize the fact that the sleeves were too short before I got engulfed into the scent of it. the scent was addicting, it was like nicotine to the nostrils. 

I walked the few blocks it took to get home, occasionally digging my face into the collar of the jacket, mainly because it smelt good, and because it was warm. I walked past Mikasa's car, and to the front door where I quietly sneaked in. Instantly I was greeted with the scent of cigarette smoke, and Hawaiian Breeze scented glade. 

When my mom was stressed she'd go to smoking, or a bottle of wine. I walked past the kitchen and into my bedroom where I hung Levis coat in my closet.

"Eren?" my mom called from the kitchen.

"Coming"

I walked to the kitchen where my mom was sitting with a glass of whine on the table in front of her, and a cigarette between her fingers. 

"Where have you been?"

"I took the long way home" I tried to make a believable lie. 

"I thought you were dead in a ditch. You scare me, child"

"Sorry, mum"

"Well now that I know you're alive, go do what you do"

I smiled, "okay".

\--

(group circle)

"Ever since my parents got divorced, my mom lost her job and worked as a part-time waitress. It was really stressful seeing her like that." Mikasa's eyes were pointed to the ground, she was probably thinking of those times.

"I've been thinking a lot about when she used to tell me that sometimes people stop loving each other. But what happens when they stop loving each other? Do they remain friends, or do they hate each other?"


End file.
